Navigating a Breakup: Insights from a Relationship Therapist’s Personal Journey
Breaking up is never easy, and it’s certainly not as straightforward as we often hear. The pain of a breakup is something that countless poems, songs, books, and now this blog post delve into. Heartbreak is a universal experience, yet it can feel uniquely isolating when you’re the one going through it.
Isolation is a key factor in many mental health crises. When we’re alone, we tend to ruminate and replay powerful, often subconscious, trauma stories and emotions. These thoughts can leave us feeling even more rejected and confused. As relationship therapists, we frequently encounter clients stuck in this difficult place. We provide space for our clients to process the range of emotions that arise as they try to heal and make sense of a relationship’s end.
Love isn’t perfect, and it’s rarely easy. Falling in love is often the easy part, but maintaining that connection and understanding over time is where many of us struggle. Divorce rates in Western countries hover around 50% (Forbes, 2023), so it’s likely that most of us will experience a meaningful breakup at some point in our lives. Separating from someone you deeply care for, someone with whom you’ve shared intimate parts of your life, is no small task. It can feel like you’re being tossed around in a storm, struggling to find solid ground.
Breakups can leave us feeling raw and exposed. They bring about a unique kind of grief because, even though the relationship is over, we often don’t get the closure we crave. This lack of closure can make the healing process even more challenging. I know this feeling personally—not just from the empathy I feel for my clients who are also navigating breakups, but from my own recent experience.
A Relationship Therapist’s Story on Heartbreak
One of the most interesting aspects of being a relationship therapist is navigating our own personal relationships while simultaneously holding space for others. We must be the guide for facilitating intimacy and connection between vulnerable individuals, all while working through our own relationship challenges. This duality requires us to separate our professional role from our personal struggles so that we can remain effective, safe, and supportive therapists.
We are trained to know the difference between effective self-disclosure (sharing something about ourselves to connect with and relate to clients) and “dumping” our unprocessed emotions onto clients, which is never appropriate. If you ever feel that your therapist is sharing something that makes you uncomfortable rather than validated, that’s a red flag in counseling.
My clients don’t need to know about the parking ticket I got last week or how moved I felt during my morning run. More importantly, they don’t need to know about the sadness I’ve experienced as I’ve watched my own relationship slowly slip away. However, they might benefit from knowing that seeing them fight so hard for something I felt I lacked in my own partnership gave me hope. But sharing my frustration and loneliness would not be helpful.
During my recent breakup, I experienced a strange duality: helping couples connect and grow professionally while feeling disconnected from those same concepts in my personal life. On harder days, the work felt hollow, and I left feeling like an imposter filled with self-doubt. How could I help others navigate their intimate relationships when I couldn’t solve my own?
This experience is known in our industry as “counter-transference.” It refers to the therapist’s own emotional triggers that arise during client sessions. The good news is that we are committed to being aware of these experiences and addressing them through our own therapy, professional consultation, and personal growth work. After speaking with other couples therapists, I realized I’m not alone in experiencing counter-transference while supporting couples during difficult times in my own life. In fact, this irony can be a powerful tool for growth.
Navigating a breakup while holding objective, supportive space for others requires a lot of self-awareness and self-care. But for the sake of vulnerability, I want to shed light on the human behind the therapist.
Yes, Even Therapists Experience Heartbreak
As relationship therapists, we go through breakups and dysfunctional relationships, too. We’re human, after all. Practicing what I preach, I believe vulnerability is essential for growth. That’s why I’m sharing a personal piece of my life—to emphasize that the human experience doesn’t discriminate. Even if your therapist doesn’t directly tell you they understand what you’re going through, chances are, they do.
Reflecting on my recent breakup, I realize part of the challenge was separating “Therapist Lauren” from “Human Lauren.” As a therapist, I analyze and try to make sense of things. But as a human, I’m simply riding the waves and trying to cope. When I feel disappointed in myself for not being the expert in my own life, I’m tempted to compartmentalize these two identities.
In the therapy room, I have to set aside my personal emotions to support my clients objectively. But in my personal life, it’s difficult (and sometimes impossible) to separate these identities. Instead, I have to bring both to the surface as I process my emotions.
I’ve come to realize that I’m living exactly what I challenge my clients to do: I’m going inward and being honest with myself. I’m not judging myself for not having all the answers. The end of my relationship doesn’t undermine my ability to be an effective therapist, just as the end of your relationship doesn’t diminish your capacity for future love.
Choosing to do what’s right for me was incredibly difficult, but for the sake of honoring my authenticity, I’m living the example I aim to set for my clients. I’m learning more about myself through my relationships.
The Healing Power of Connection
Some days, it was hard to show up for my clients during this chapter of my life. I felt exhausted and worried that I wouldn’t have the energy to hold space for them. But to my surprise, continuing to honor my commitment to them has been the most healing part of this process for me.
Witnessing genuine connection and vulnerability in my clients is remarkable. They know the healing process is hard and gut-wrenching at times, but they show up for each other anyway. This is where my clients teach me just as much as I teach them.
Not only do I experience my own heartbreak, but I also get to witness others’ emotions as an observer and guide. This process helps me understand different aspects of my own breakup by seeing and experiencing my pain from different perspectives.
In counseling, it’s not the absence of sadness, pain, or stress that brings awareness, change, and healing. It’s embracing those very things we’ve been taught to suppress.
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